Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
there was a trapeze. enough said
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
