I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
