my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
