No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
