I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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