He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
