I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
the gays at disneyland are vicious
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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