Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
ok first of all what the fuck
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
