Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
