I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
