When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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