Kareoke will never be a sober sport
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
