Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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