You're my little dorito
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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