we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
