Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
