mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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