Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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