Swine flu is the new snow day.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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