Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
