Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
