I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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