I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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