I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
