Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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