The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize
