a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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