I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
