Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
