Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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