I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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