I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
