I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
