i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
