I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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