remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
