i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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