The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
