I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
