She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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