if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Sorry my hands just texted you
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
