I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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