If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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