I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
