He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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