I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
