I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
