I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
operation have a gay friend backfired
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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