YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
so explain again why im purple
no
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
