i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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